An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
