My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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