i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
