Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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