I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
