dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
