thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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