I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
