You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
