so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
