god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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