she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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