Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
