Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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