Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
