My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have post one night stand depression
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