I have demons in me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
