i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dicks are not precious.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
