my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
