3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
