nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
