also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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