I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
