420 ftw
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
