I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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