Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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