Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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