1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
