When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
