I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
