Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
