I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
