How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
