apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
