You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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