My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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