The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You have to summon your inner elephant
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
