no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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