If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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