I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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