No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
