i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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