I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
