he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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