Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
