he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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