she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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