My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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