A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
