she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Let's paint friendship bongs
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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